At five am in my studio apartment I woke up to the sound of screaming.
When I opened my eyes I saw no one there but when I closed them, I saw the image of my five year old self sobbing uncontrollably.
It scared me and I felt deep concern.
I consider myself an empath, a caretaker, a nurturer and here I was baring witness to the gross neglect of my own inner child.
I have a pattern.
We all have patterns.
But one of mine has been to focus on and tend to others in pursuit of love.
I’ve found that I have gone to great lengths to placate, pamper and parent my partners, my parents and my friends.
To give, grants me deep satisfaction but from time to time I experience disappointment when the expectation for reciprocation falls flat.
It is then when the void becomes me and alcohol, food and sex masked as love, compassion and connection come “tapping, tapping at my chamber door.”
Then you wake up at 5am in your studio apartment to a baby screaming and you live alone at 35 with no children!
There was no one left to tend to except for her. I closed my eyes and I dove deep inside and I scooped her up and I let her sob because she deserves to be angry and hurt.
I had forgotten her.
I rubbed her back.
I washed her face.
I greased her scalp.
I combed and braided her hair.
We went to the kitchen and had cereal for breakfast.
She told me all her dreams and big adventures and she told me all her fears.
I let her know how brave I thought she was and I vowed to never leave again.
We put on our backpacks and held hands all the way to work that day.
That was the most vivid and surreal visitation from a younger self that I had ever experienced.
It made me realize that each of us are both parent and child. Whether or not you decide to have your own children we are all responsible for raising and loving the child within.
When you think of your young self how does it make you feel? Are you joyous? Uncomfortable? Would you rather not?
Eisenstein said that we are light and sound slowed down. So though we may not be able to go back in time physically…yet :)
We can engage with the unfinished business of our past through the imaginary realm.
Tap in and touch base with the younger you. If you listen you may find that your inner child is the barer of great truths. Children are good at that, calling things like they see them.
What would your younger self say to your grown up self today? Would they be happy with where you’ve taken them? Is there a terrible tantrum happening inside? Is your inner child in good hands?
I sure hope so…for you…are all…they’ve got.